My Darkness Before I Found My Light

Suicide… A word I have come to hate. I know hate is a strong word, but so is love. Every time I hear the word suicide, I cringe. I feel the pain from these dark deeply depressing nights. People ask me, “Why are you that way? What triggered it? Why so depressed? My answer is always, I don’t know but I do know shit happens. My therapist wonders why as well.
“Do you need to be hospitalized?
“I don’t think so...”
“Do you know how and why you got to this point?”
“No.”
“Who talked to you before this episode?”
“No one. I was alone in my room just thinking, where did I fuck this up? Do I deserve to be here? I started feeling more and more worthless every second an evil thought passed through my brain. I’m not worthy of even this awful sick world.”
All of these questions are not completely clear for me to answer.“ These thoughts come to my mind and, recently these thoughts could not be pushed out of my mind. I couldn’t shake them. I could not get rid of them, they just lingered, tearing me apart shred by shred. These thoughts were tearing me apart… I felt as if I was on the path straight to sure insanity, but then the consideration came… It came and felt like the only solution to my problems. I felt worthless and absolutely powerless in a power hungry world. I picked up the knife… opened it… placed it upon my ice cold wrist. I came so close that now I cannot help but feel sick every time I see that knife. I threw it as hard as I could… I’m so glad I did. I don’t know what stopped me, but I am eternally grateful that I stopped. “
My therapist is completely silent for a moment. She tells me I am surely not insane, am confused and need help. I agreed with this statement. “ You just need to realize that you aren’t alone. Even when you get to that dark point, you NEED TO TALK with someone, no matter how badly it hurts.”
“It does hurt, but it can’t hurt as bad as bad as I was hurting in that dark point that night.”
“Please don’t do it. If you need to be hospitalized, we will do what is needed to keep you safe.”
“No. If I am hospitalized, people will ask what happened and I don’t want to go around telling people my pathetic story.”
“It isn’t pathetic. It is very important that you are safe. That is our top priority.”
“I am terrified, but if I am hospitalized I won’t proceed to get better, I feel as if I would get worse...”
“Does anyone but your family know about what happened?”
“Yes… people do know. I wish they didn’t because some people’s opinions hurt. Some people say, wow what a fuck up, people that are that depressed don’t realize how selfish they are being, whoever tries to commit suicide is a pussy and should just grow up. They absolutely DON’T understand what kind of pressure is behind the lines of suicide! They have no fucking clue! I hate people that judge and don’t have the experience to back it up. It really hurts. Some people I thought I knew and loved had those kinds of responses’.” I am now in tears. “ I wish people could understand the hurt that was afflicted. I wish, I wish, I wish. Not all wishes come true. I just need support from people but I don’t get that because we live in such a judgmental world with hate. I just need a few days to be with family and people willing to support me rather than criticize. Those people that are judgmental can leave me alone and find out how to deal with their issues like I did. ”
“OK, well I need you to be safe. Can you stay safe until you feel better. As I said before, you are not alone and you need to stay with your family 24/7 until these thoughts leave your mind. We can’t stress enough how worried we are about you.”
I will be safe. I give you my word. I don’t break promises. I don’t want to not be here I am just terrified. I do have people that can help me. And I will listen and absorb all of the positive words. I give you my word I will be ok. I am not going anywhere. Imma give ‘em hell!”