To Darkness and Back

A time in my life that has shaped me as a person was a particularly dark time that I don’t revisit very often. These events occurred from the beginning of my freshman year to the end of my sophomore year.
High school is coming up, this summer has gone by faster than I expected and to be honest I’m really nervous. I don’t know anyone and I don’t know what to expect from high school. The high school youth group isn’t going very well, these kids don’t know me and I don’t think they care to get to know me. Maybe thing will get better as time goes on, but I really don’t see that happening.
“Those kids have better things to do and my parents are too preoccupied with my brother. No one will miss me. Wait. Why am I thinking this? I would never even consider killing myself, but it wouldn’t be the worst thing. I mean what’s the point of going on when no one cares.”
Looking back my reasoning was definitely flawed and I had no idea how it got so bad, but I’ve moved on and I feel much better and I know that people care about me.
One innocent thought lead to another and then another and more after that, until the thoughts became not so innocent anymore. I wonder if school will make things better. High School is so much bigger than Bethlehem, the school I went to for elementary and middle school, and there’s so much more people. I don’t belong here; I don’t know why I’m here. English is my favorite class, there’s a nice girl in that class. She says hi to me every day and I walk to German and she walks to Spanish and we walk together after English. This is so perfect.
I’ve decided I want to tell her about the thoughts I’ve been having and now she’s really worried about me. I can’t believe I did that, if I would have just kept these thoughts to myself she wouldn’t be so worried. No one is here to tell me I shouldn’t have done that or punish me for what I did. Maybe I should just hurt myself if no one else will. I’ve decided to start out easy and use scissors. I drew the scissors wide open and sliced numerous cuts into the top of my left forearm. I don’t know why I did it there because people can see it there. I’ll just where a sweatshirt it will be ok.
If I knew what I know today, I would stop right there and say that hurting myself won’t solve anything, but I didn’t know what I know now. The person I am today wasn’t there to rip the scissors from my hand. I couldn’t stop myself because I didn’t know any better. The person I am today will hold that frightened boy while he cried. I would comfort him until he fell asleep and woke up to a better tomorrow.
Throughout this time only two of my friends really knew what was going on and what I was going through, but I didn’t want them to understand. These are my problems and I’ll deal with them the way I want to.
These awful thoughts keep coming to me, I can’t stop them. The idea of taking a rope to the tree in the backyard or the plentitude of pills and alcohol we have. I can’t believe I was so selfish what would my parents do if they found me not breathing. How could I even think about doing that to them?
The months go by and things are getting worse. I find myself standing in the kitchen with a handful, but I get angry and slam them into the pill bottle and throw it. “Something is keeping me here, God doesn’t want me to give up, but I don’t know why. I’m worthless, I can’t do anything right. I just make people sad and worried. If I weren’t here they wouldn’t have to worry.” These were the thoughts running through my head day and night.
I think it’s time to move on from the scissors. There’s a razor in the garage, but I’m really nervous. I don’t think I can do this. After sometime I work up the courage. I feel that this time I’ll do it on a place no one can see. How about the chest? I take off my shirt and start the first cut, but that’s as far as I get. The blood is too much. The blood is everywhere and it won’t stop. Luckily I’m in the bathroom. I’m scared I call Leslie and Meghan. I put Neosporin on it because the razor was rusty and I don’t’ want to get an infection. I put a band-aid on it and meet them in the park. Leslie is worried and Meghan is furious. Leslie hugs me and I start to cry. The cut’s not bad, but this is the breaking point, where I’m just tired of everything and I look around and see these people that care about me and I know that I want to go on. This is a time that changed everything in my life and formed who I am as a person. I am not proud of this time in my life, but I know without it I wouldn’t be the same. A lot of time has passed and I’m living my life. I have been blessed with many friends and a loving family. I’m not giving this up for anything.