Heidi Shoemaker
Ms. Gurian
English 11 - 2
11 may 2011

Most people live in a world where they know they will have a dad to scare away boys, help you move to college, walk you down the aisle, and have a special dance at your wedding. I live in a world were my mom will try to take over this specified role because my father was a coward and left. You never realize how much you rely upon the fact that your "daddy" will always be there. It never crosses your innocent and naive mind that he is incapable mentally of being your dad and caring about you. You are plunged into a world where "father" is filled with contempt and anger. How quickly your entire world can change.
Stress. It's like a parasite that feeds off of anxiety and fear. It grows and evolves taking on a new level with every passing day. This parasite makes people act weird and relationships hard but if you try and are dedicated enough the parasites can be cured or at least that is what we originally believed. My dad has lost his job yet again, another fight ensues, and secrets are brought to a new light.
A credit card! A stupid piece of plastic that holds too much meaning for what it is. There is denial and lies that flow so easily that you want believe it is true. My mother takes this plastic and calls only to find that he cheated and was using my mother's money to do it. Upon checking the computer this seemingly irrational fear is confirmed. Fighting and anger ruled our lives for many months till we reached a stand still. There was finally an agreement he could stay as long as he got counseling and we talked. However my mom always knew that he would never do it and that he would eventually crack. Every day she reminded him that he could leave and to go home to his mommy, however he took the cowards way out and decided to take actions that would affect us forever. He started smoking, locking himself in the basement for hours, and no longer showering or eating. All that rules his life is mountain dew and pain medication. The only way to draw him out of his hole is another fight. My mom, the one to always try so hard, makes yet another attempt at reuniting him to our little family. He ostracized himself in such a way that we never would have, we never believed in separating him from us and it was his always his choice alone.
I remember the time we were all huddled in the front room afraid to speak and afraid to move. The conversation began with a promise by everyone that we would listen to each other and understand what we could. My mom began and I soon entered. All I remember from that conversation was my dad with the coldest and cruelest face I had ever experienced it was filled with all the hatred and contempt in the world. Without warning that face turned flaming red and he jumped up like the devil were chasing him. Mean while my cat that had been in the wrong place and the wrong time ran by as well. My first instinct was, “Don’t hurt Lily!” and I ran closely at his heels. He stopped abruptly in the kitchen and my cat was smart enough to escape to the basement. “You care more about the cat then you do me!” he roared in my face. In the knife drawer to his left he fished around till he pulled out the longest and biggest butcher knife we owned. Fear and adrenaline raced through my body, I was prepared to run and prepared to protect. However it was never his intention to hurt me or my cat. No his intention was to harm himself in the hopes of making us feel guilty. He raised the gleam of silver to his stomach and placed it point first. “You don’t care about me! Now I am going to be gone so that you don’t have to deal with me anymore” he roared again applying a slight pressure to the knife. By this point the whole family had joined together. Yet again he applied more pressure, Natalie cried and pleaded for him to stop saying she loved him, Madi turned away not wanting to look at the fool in fear that he would be stupid enough to harm himself, and my mother stood stoically in the background staring him down like she did with her clients, people with developmental disabilities, when they had a behavior. All that went through my mind was he was so incredibly stupid and something was seriously wrong. My father then ran to the basement shouting behind him, “DON’T FOLLOW ME!” I never completely comprehended why he ran for the basement maybe he hadn’t gotten the reaction he wanted or maybe… at this point who knows. I did know however that my kitten was down there and I was sure as hell not going to let anything happen to him.
When I arrived in the basement the slam of a door indicated that my father had locked himself in the bathroom. The breath caught in my chest as my mind immediately went to him torturing my cat. However I knew that if my cat needed saving I had to gather my courage. I screamed at the bathroom door, “I am just getting Lily don’t worry.” Much like you would talk to a robber or a criminal. All I wanted was my cat. I began to search my room and the television room in hopes of finding my cat. I was literally swimming in fear that I wouldn’t find him however by some divine intervention it seemed I found my cat shoved behind the couch shaking. Never before have I been happier to see my cat. I snatched him up and ran upstairs.
An hour or two passed still no sign of him and we all began to question whether anyone should go down there. Finally my Mom went to the basement out of sight and ear shot. In the background we hear the pounding of a fist on the door. She began shouting and we all paused until we heard the response of the suicidal idiot. None of us had wanted to see him if he was dead and we didn’t want the world to know how he had failed us.
An hour or two passes and my mom emerges victorious with the knife in hand. She placed it in the kitchen sink and walks past us. My sisters and I stand in a circle in the kitchen unsure of where to go or what to do. My only relief was that fact that it was spring break and I wouldn’t be leaving Lily alone.
Another 2 months pass, we no longer have communication with the basement dweller as he began to be known. My sister Madison and I sleep on the couches afraid to sleep down there. A new fear has been instilled in us. We no longer trust this stranger that threatens with knifes and anger. Every day after school we hold our breaths when we enter the door, prepared to find death and blood in our once happy home. My days were ruled by fear and anger. I almost wished every day that he had been dead so I no longer had to be afraid and so that my cat would no longer be in danger of this crazy man’s moods. I’ve never despised anyone that much and I probably never will again.
One day something strange happened, if that were possible at this point, we came home and a fire was going in the fire place. We never lit a fire in our entire time of being there. I still remember the crisp, smoky smell that clogged your nose and filled the house. I hate fire. It’s dangerous and destructive, the smell is overwhelming, and all that comes to my mind was he was destroying papers or something of value. It was the first day he had emerged from the place we began to believe was the equivalent of hell and it was to light a fire, make cake, and clean the house? Why? Who knows maybe it was the beginning of saying good bye or maybe he was just covering his tracks. Whatever the reason we never ate the cake and we let the fire burn down to embers.
The next day we arrived home prepared for the worst and praying for it to be a eventless day. A ray of sunshine appeared when we noticed his car was gone. This wasn’t unusual but he usually did not go during the day, he preferred to leave at all hours of the night to smoke his cigarettes and waste gas. We entered the house slowly still afraid, perhaps that would stay with us forever. We entered the house and noticed that the house seemed somehow cleaner, somehow less evil. I went to the basement to check the computer and see if he had anything going when I noticed there was no computer. There was no computer, no television, and nothing of value left in the basement. I ran up the stairs to inform my mother of the bitter sweet news. We had gotten rid of the evil parasite but in the process we had lost electronics. But every time I almost start to regret losing those few material items, I realize that they were exactly that, material items. We no longer have to live in fear and we no longer have to worry about saying the wrong thing and thinking you would be tortured with the death of the innocent animal that you had promised to take care of always.
Though losing you father may seem like a punishment or bring sadness to someone, I believe it has shaped me to be the person I am today. Without him leaving I wouldn’t nearly be as strong as I am and I wouldn’t be as grateful for my real family. This experience has brought me to my lowest point so that I could see the bottom and never go back.